New Norms: Dating in Quarentine
Life is on hold in Austin for the foreseeable future. Work has been reduced to essential businesses only. Many—including myself—have been laid off or furloughed, social events have been put on hold and cabin fever is in the air. With human interaction reduced to screens and keyboards, I have to wonder: How is our dating culture changing during this time?
Those with significant others are riding out the storm of the pandemic together, while the rest of us must adapt. Social media and dating apps are more important for singletons than ever before. With the distance that’s been thrust upon us, relationships are slow burns. In my experience, this isolation has forced me to take things as they come–one second at a time.
Despite a sense that everyone is incredibly horny, no one is in my DM’s is trying to send me unsolicited dick pics or “wyd” texts at 2 a.m. anymore. Quar has paused those interactions. It’s a welcome change.
However, if someone were to slide into my DM’s hoping to ~start a relationship~, what would come next? Fear is a powerful motivating emotion, but is it strong enough to build a lasting relationship? Only time will tell how bonds are either strengthened or weakened by the catalyst that is this pandemic. As an emotional response, fear can drive us to do things we wouldn’t normally do.
Perhaps rather than dive into a relationship in uncertain times, fear drives some of us to embrace ghosting. If I start a conversation with someone on Hinge and then text them for a bit and get bored, no hard feelings if I just stop. Human connection and attachment as we knew it are gone, leaving a strange sensation behind: a yearning that grows as each day passes. While it’s patently obvious that we’re all feeling sequestered into our homes, as a single young adult that feeling is intensified. Porn and masturbation may be wonderful ways of exercising sexual frustration, but there are only so many ways to satisfy desire without a partner.
I have been consistently talking to someone, but with the way things are going, progress is minimal. Every day I think about when quar will be over and my crush and I can take things further. But after I think about it for too long, I have to ground myself in reality: there’s a pandemic right now so I need to be patient in regards to getting laid, but this is the perfect opportunity to build a strong foundation for a relationship. I have learned to accept the space between my crush and me for what it is during the time being: friendship.
To learn more about how quarantine has affected relationships, I reached out to one of my best friends from high school, Kathryn. She is now in quarantine with her boyfriend of a little over a year, Matt in Fayetteville, Arkansas. Kathryn normally lives in Kansas City, Missouri where she works. With this change in scenery, she and Matt have moved their relationship forward. “I think we’re learning a lot about each other, just being in the same space all the time,” Kathryn told me over FaceTime. “We’re coexisting more often than we were before.”
Matt is Kathryn’s first serious boyfriend. The strength of their relationship has always been their solid communication—but that’s just from my outside perspective. However, in the before times, the three-hour drive between Kansas City and Fayetteville strained the relationship. When the pandemic hit, an opportunity for growth revealed itself. Kathryn packed some clothes and her dog into her Jeep, and she headed south towards Arkansas. Little did she know what would come next for her relationship.
“It has definitely been a test,” Kathryn shared. “We have to share the same bathroom, which I’ve never had to share a bathroom with a significant other, and that’s been interesting. You know, we wake up at the same time, I don’t have that same alone time that I’m used to, but I mean I like it. And I think it was a test that needed to happen eventually.”
In addition to learning the art of sharing space with her partner, Kathryn shared that she’s coming to terms with respect. Not just for herself, but for Matt too. There’s an hour and a half that’s Kathryn’s free time between work and Matt coming home from his job. Rather than mope about not being with him, she has taken back this time for self care: reading, watching tv that she wants to watch, just being with Kathryn.
Our conversation helped me realize that relationships require independence in order to work functionally. I hadn’t considered how each individual might need to take time and space for themselves. Listening to Kathryn describe her self care, it dawned on me that even when partnered up, people are still individuals that need to learn and grow. Anything less than that could be considered codependency.
Quarantine has shifted reality for relationships. With this change, there is an opportunity for growth. Following the guidelines for social distancing forces those seeking a partner to center the bond on communication and respect rather than immediately diving into the physical. I cannot say for certain that this trend will continue, but I hope it does.